I wasn't prepared...

I anticipated, I counted down, the time finally came... and I wasn't prepared for how I actually felt.

       You may think of me as an awful mother for what I am about to admit, but it's my blog so I will speak honestly. For a couple of years my light at the end of the tunnel was that one day, all of the children would go to school. I would have six straight hours of silence, nobody would ask me to get them a snack, nobody would fight, nobody would cry because someone looked at them wrong and I wouldn't be asked a hundred times a day if it was electronic time. I could clean and nobody would destroy it in my wake. I could run errands and not rush, have munchkins cry when I won't buy them something, I wouldn't have to wait for seat belts to be buckled, and I could listen to a book on tape while I grocery shopped. I could take a nap, read a book, scrapbook, work on some writing, or go to lunch with a friend. It would be a glorious phase in the timeline of motherhood.

         Well, my time finally arrived. Isabel and Landon are in second and third grade, and three days a week Mia is in preschool for five hours. I have to admit that first week I had a stupid grin on my face as I breezed through my grocery shopping, my house was immaculate in one day, the laundry was complete and put away the next day, I didn't want to take a nap, most of my friends still have kids at home so we weren't going out for a quiet lunch, I was unmotivated to do my scrapbooking or write. This was not what I thought it would be.

      Week two came along, with all of  my work done, I found myself literally sitting and staring at a wall. The silence was lonely, I felt unneeded, and useless. Without motherhood included in my day to day routine. I felt like I was simply a housekeeper, cook, and laudress. I called Ryan at work crying, because I felt like I was just a maid and they didn't need me anymore (that was mostly crazy talk,) but it was how I felt at the moment. Motherhood has been my purpose in life for the last nine years. It has filled my every moment. My children were what made me laugh, they are what make me feel warm inside, the are what frustrate me, they give me problems to solve, they force me to pray more often, they are what Flash and I talk about, and then poof it vanished. Now don't get me wrong, from two o'clock in the afternoon on, they keep me running a million miles an hour, but while they are gone I feel lost. I never thought I would miss them so much. It was eye opening. I am now dreading the empty nest phase of my life.

            The problem was so much more than missing my children though. Being raised in the church we are taught that our most important role as women is that we will one day become mothers. Some in this life and some not until the next. I was one of those girls that clung to this ideal. I couldn't wait to be a mother, I never really aspired for a career and college was something I did to pass the time until I became a mother (education was not something I took seriously until it was too late, big regret in my life). And of course this role as "mommy" has been the most rewarding and most important accomplishment I will ever fulfill, but now that they are trickling from the nest it leaves me to wonder who I am when I'm not being mom- for six hours of the day.  I know that I am a daughter of God and that is my most important title, and even when they aren't home I'm still a mother and  a wife, my next most important role. But then what, what am I doing in my life that defines, "Mandy"? What am I doing to make me a better daughter of God, mother, and wife. 

           Obviously, I started blogging again. That took up a half hour a week. Then I joined Pintrest and started planning for the home we hope to purchase in the next year, that shouldn't take up more than twenty minutes a day. I did my visiting teaching, an hour a month. I need to get better about scrapbooking and doing service, but what else.

   
       I made a big decision. I would go back and correct my big regret in life. I'll go back to school. Over the years education has become such an important factor in my life. Trying to get my husband through school. Raising intelligent children and keeping them on track toward their academic careers. And a goal I've had for several years is to go back and finish what I started. I want to complete my degree desperately. I want to be able to help my children with all of their homework and not have to say, "Wait for dad to get home and help you," and I want them to see how important education is, "Mom and Dad both have their degrees and this is not an option in this family." I knew that in the far away future, when all of my kids were in school I would go back to school. Well, the time arrived. I walked on to that campus and for the first time in my life, I felt like an old lady. I had to apply, watch an orientation online, request transcripts, meet with a counselor, and take an assessment test. I think I was more excited taking these steps than I was as a kid on Christmas morning- I know, I'm a weirdo. I am on my way to fulfilling a goal, I'm going to be bettering myself, I am going to have something to fill my time rather than wall staring, and my kids will get to see me study and see how important it is to me. Now I just have to wait until January and then as Landon says, "My mom goes to college," in his best Napoleon voice.
       I wasn't prepared for this phase of my life. I was foolish in thinking that my life would be so easy without kids at home, and in some aspects it is, but I wasn't ready for the loneliness and self analysis. I guess even in our mid-thirties we still have self-discovery to do and we shouldn't ever stop trying to grow. The time is going to pass faster than I would like for my children to leave, I need to be better at enjoying them. I have to start appreciating what is happening now and not impatiently waiting for the next phase of life.